My Son Is Gay: A Mother's Story

November 18, 2009

By Jenny P.

Nathan, my 17 year old son, the youngest of four, is gay. What if we lived in a world where such a statement was on par with saying something like, “I enjoy oatmeal and berries for breakfast”, or, “Friday is the fifth day of my work week”? People would look a little puzzled at such a statement, and shrug as if to reply, “So what? That’s so boring, why would anyone even have the thought to mention it?” For years, I tried to take the ‘live-and-let-live’ approach, dismissing sexual orientation, religious or political affiliation, and ethnicity with the blasé “People are people…deal with it and move on” attitude. Yet here we all are, in this real world, where so many are not of the same mind. People do in fact go to great lengths to impose their narrow-minded, hate-filled perspectives on the rest of us. Admittedly, for years I took a ‘head-in-the-sand’ approach by avoiding or ignoring such ugliness.

About five years ago when Nathan was 12 years old, he approached me with a question. He wanted to know if it was ‘okay’ that he dreamed about boys. Without thinking I said absolutely yes, some of us dream about opposite genders, or same, or both…he had nothing to worry about. I asked if he had other questions or needed to talk some more; he said nope, he was okay for now and just needed to check. This short talk took less than two minutes, but as I walked down the hall leaving him to his video game, fears and questions of my own poured in. We live in Indiana, maybe not exactly Bible Belt territory, but pretty close to that: If Nathan was gay, how would teachers and classmates treat him? What about our extended family? Should we tell him to ‘keep a low profile’ (not tell anyone), or encourage him to be open? What about ‘gay bashing’: He could get hurt! My heart told me promoting a life of secrecy was essentially the same as promoting shame or even self-loathing, but I wanted him safe. I went to my husband, Mike. Mike has always been the kind of guy who quietly takes everything in stride, never worries over potential problems (why borrow trouble?), and has a very calming effect on me. True to his nature, he shrugged at my concerns, pointed out Nathan hadn’t said he was gay, that lots of kids question their sexuality but all figure it out on their own in due time. So we agreed to just support Nathan when he wanted to talk, and leave it at that.

Nathan naturally did sort things out for himself, and the day came when he made an official declaration: “I know I’m gay”. Once he’d accepted this for himself, my concerns of whether to ‘come out’ publicly were never an issue because he went to his My Space profile and identified himself as gay so his friends would know. He told me to let family members know, so I did. I’m glad to say while a couple people truly seemed a bit uncomfortable, none rejected Nathan. At his high school this year, one classmate took exception with Nathan. This young bigot began calling Nathan ‘faggot’ and threatening to make his year ‘miserable’. We’ve been working with the school, and I’m so glad to say the authorities there are taking this harassment very seriously. For our part, we try to balance Nathan’s need to vent and process this negativity while encouraging him to remain positive and focus on the many positive aspects of his day.

For me, I’ve realized there are little ways my parenting needed fine-tuning to best meet Nathan’s needs. Last year he said he was going to a female friend’s house for a sleep-over. Being ‘straight-parent’ oriented, I blurted out, “You can’t spend the night at a girl’s house!” He just looked at me with his very best ‘my mom is an idiot’ expression. We laughed a good minute, I asked if her parents would be home and were okay with it (yes and yes), he went and had a good time.
Without realizing it, by Nathan’s coming out, I sort of flipped a switch in my head, becoming hyper-aware of any ‘gay-related’ issues via tv, internet or in the community. On any given day, I’d mention a show or article, or discussion with a friend. Nathan sat me down for a heart-to-heart: I was ‘being annoying’ and was to stop with all this ‘gay talk’. Point taken, it may be all well and good that we’re supportive, but we are after all ‘parents’ and by definition, pretty clueless. On a more serious note, recently Nathan said he needed a ride to a friend’s house, and handed me the address. When I saw that the address was in a neighboring town, little warning bells went off in my head. I questioned him and discovered he’d met this friend online, no mutual friends…and the only apparent points of common ground were their high school status and sexual orientation. Nathan had agreed to go to a perfect stranger’s home. So we had a talk about dating safety, changed the meeting place to a café, and set some ground rules. I believe Nathan has a lot of common sense, but that can be lost in his desire for relationships. Belonging not just to a minority, but to a minority where its members for many reasons keep their status a secret, seriously limits the dating possibilities for him, so he is reaching out and taking chances.

As I consider my past passive attitude of never speaking up or getting involved, avoiding bigotry rather than challenging it, I am ashamed, but I do not think I was alone. Thinking of my own friends and family, I realize most people do coast through life, only standing to face what challenges or issues pose a direct threat either to ourselves or our loved ones. Then we toss up our hands and wonder why there are so many problems in our world. So little by little I’m doing what I can to find my voice and step out of my comfort zone.